Garmon The Musician’s Most Grand Adventure

These last few days I’ve been absolutely miserable. I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis. Except it’s not so much mid-life. Also because I suffered the same thing last year around October. Nothing feels real. It’s as though as I’ve hit some kind of dead end and there isn’t a way out. I can’t even go backwards. It’s like everything around me is frozen but when I touch something that’s been encased in a block of ice the ice has no feeling. It feels like a hard plastic. And it’s not a smooth plastic either. It’s just a really crappy plastic block. I feel like I’m living in a legoland of plastic colourless blocks. 

I don’t know why I’m feeling so shitty about everything. I suppose I get this feeling now and then. Maybe because I’ve been alone for too long and it’s causing me to think too much about life and the future and what I’m supposed to be doing and what I’ve done. It’s overwhelming at times. I’m overwhelmed with the nothingness of everything.

Financially, I’m doing as well as an ugly fat woman in her 40s trying to reel in guys at a 20 year old house party. Not so awesome, right. I’m not sure if it was a smart financial move to quit my job right before Christmas but it’s not the worst idea either. Work isn’t exactly a breeze and I know it shouldn’t be but it shouldn’t be like a tornado either. 

Uni is okay. I got decent marks. I’m slipping but I got lazy. New year, new resolutions. So let’s keep faith in that concept. God my life sucks. 

Maybe I do need a girlfriend. 

Alicia Keys - Un-Thinkable (I’m Ready)

2009 swept by like a hurricane. Though there’s still one more good month left in this year, it feels like it’s already gone. But this year feels like one of the fastest years in my life. Maybe because for once I actually enjoyed my year. Apart from all the little heartbreaks here and there I really did enjoy this year. Met a lot of people that I’ll try to see out til the end and I’ve strengthen friendships with old friends. Worked a job for a year and in a month will promptly quit. Gone through hard times, suffered awkward situations, mellowed out with Mi Goreng and friends and just had fun. Can’t say much for my musical progression though. Should be more about that consider this blog is called ‘Garmon the Musician’s Most Grandest Adventure.’ I’ve made it to be more like a ‘Garmon’s Deepest Opinions and Thoughts.’ Maybe I should do some recounting after all. I don’t wanna forget the little moments I’ve had a long the way. And I guess if I write everyday I’ll further my literary skills. I guess I’ll tumblr it somewhere hidden. I’m not particularly big on advertising my life to everyone.

When I was still in high school I used to love the shirt that said ‘Fuck You. I Have Enough Friends.’ Used to love it. I suppose back in those days of teen angst I used to be somewhat of a non-conformist, or at least that’s what I tried to be. I used to hate on everything that everyone else hated on which actually made me out to be a conformist. That whole idea of non-conformity isn’t really something solid anyway since if you’re a non-conformist you’re conforming to being a non-conformist. Sorry I couldn’t think of any other synonyms.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I used to hate making friends because I thought the friends I hung around were super cool. In year 7 I wished I was back in primary school with my old friends. But as time went along I grew somewhat close and attached to my high school and then after a while I began to think how ridiculous my friendships were in primary. But towards the last two years of high school, because of our different subjects and timetables I had to be in different classes with my friends. I couldn’t even see them at lunch sometimes because they had either gone home or had to study. In that time, I sought friendship elsewhere. I joined up to a random volunteer group and made random friends there. From there I made friends with UNSW people. Soon I began to love making new friends. Now that I’m in university I now feel how I felt about primary when I was in high school; that high school friendships were silly. I’ve chosen who I want to keep contact with from high school already so the rest of them can either keep trying to be friends with me or suck it.  

I like the amount of friends I have now and there is always room for more but now I feel like I don’t necessarily have to go out and find more friends. If I meet new friends then I’ll meet them but I feel content now. I feel content with what I have. I don’t feel that way about who I am yet…but I’m getting there.

Today I am feeling rather gratituous (apparently this is not a real word.) I am thankful for what everyone has done for me and to me. If you ever see this, thank you. Though it’s not formal perhaps you might think about it next time I give you a big hug or a firm handshake. Suffice to say, I’ve got my shutter speed on.

Ajikan - 新世紀のラブソング
Jamie Cullum - If I Ruled The World

People have already begun planning New Year’s Eve get-togethers and outings and I don’t think I’m interested in any of them. You see, for some reason I seem to not want to spend my NYE with any of my friends. When I think about it now I begin to feel depressed. I don’t want to spend it with family either. I haven’t quite figured out why I don’t want to be surrounded my loved ones but all I know is if I am with them during the turn into 2010 I’ll become very depressed and lonely. The transition from one year to another takes its toll on me. I can’t take getting older and I don’t wanna see the people around me age either. It only seems to affect me on NYE though. Maybe that’s the reason, I don’t know yet. 

It’s starting to become really hot and I’m wishing more and more that the weather decides to be nice and grants us some more rainy days. I can’t explain how much I love rainy days. Only the days where it’s raining normally and it’s overcast. If the rain is too heavy it’s depressing. Anyways, I hope Summer comes and goes quickly because I’m missing Winter.

One of these I want somebody to appear and grab me by the hand, tell me that I’m going to a far away place, and then take me to that place leaving everyone and everything behind. As unlikely as that sounds I’d really like that to happen. I’ve always fancied the idea of being chosen for something greater. It’s like when a kid wants to be a superhero or something, but I don’t care for heroism. I just want to start a whole new life. Because right now, it’s like I can’t level up and I don’t have enough money to buy a ticket out of this place. I’m trapped in myself and my mind, in an airtight box. I can’t seem to breathe.

MuteMath - Control
Jamie Cullum - I’m All Over It 

It’s almost been a whole month since I’ve been on my mini-hiatus. Or at least, I’ll call it that now though at the time it wasn’t really. And even now I still don’t know what I want to write. I’ll guess I’ll keep writing what I can and hopefully trigger something that will allow me to regurgitate anything that I had wanted to write but kept forgetting to.

There are many random times that I have thought to myself, that I might die. It seems to be a very likely thing to me. People don’t take death for what it is a lot of the time. And though I don’t look in it in the face, I tend to stare at it from the corner of my eye. In my everyday life, I think of the craziest things that could happen to me and all of the possible ways I could die. One instance is when I was speaking to one Daniel Knight (lol Liz) and whilst helping him change some settings on his phone he stood very very very close to me. In my mind, I could see him pulling a short knife out of his bag and stabbing me a fair few times before running away. And he would leave me there to die…for no real reason. Just because he wanted me dead. This happens almost everyday at least once. I’ve mentioned the car bomb somewhere here on this blog somewhere before. But honestly I do feel that I’ll die before I hit 50. I’m an idiot and idiots get killed. And I feel that I’m just one of those guys that die. There isn’t a characteristic about me that tells me I’m going to die but I imagine how life would be after I do. People will be sad I guess, but it isn’t all too bad. At least I don’t have to deal with living.

Musically I’ve changed my direction temporarily. Right now I’ve been playing drums a lot. I stole my cousins drum kit so I could play around on it. And I’m starting to get a feel for it and I’m beginning to love it. It’s hard though, it really is. I can pull off a basic beat but once you get into the technical side of it, the timing and everything you really do start to appreciate how much effort is put into drumming from a drummer. It requires a perfect sense of rhythm and an insane amount of precision. The strength you put into hitting the drum counts for everything too. I think I’ll play drums for a bit longer, it should be fun.

At long last I am thinking of quitting. Once I get my guitar I’ll be able to quit so not long now. But before I do that I have to really really start saving. And it’s true what Liz says. I cannot save for shit. And I try but desire and greed get the best of me. Pride sometimes too. There have been a lot of instances where pride has robbed my savings. Forgetfulness struck once though mostly my money goes to unnecessary items. Such as umbrella swords. I can’t even shop for Christmas gifts. Though maybe it’s best I secure another job first before quitting my current job. I’m sick of always being in need of cash. It sucks.

From today I’m going to try and eat healthy. So this means no more McDonalds-esque food. This means properly cooked food. No more KFC and no more pizza. No more soft drinks. I’ll try to have at least one piece of fruit everyday and I should drink lots and lots of water for it is healthy. And I know my policy and that is ‘you only live once, so who cares really?’ but I think actually surviving that life through a healthy lifestyle counts for much more than becoming fat and unhealthy through a junk food lifestyle. 

Life is confusing. My mind is like a book with missing pages. Though I should know…I often don’t. And I guess that is what confuses me the most. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how I feel but I know that I shouldn’t wander too far out. I’m treading water and that’s okay with me. Sometimes a ship already has a captain and I have no right to overthrow the captain. Because the captain goes down with the ship anyway. So I’ll just stay here where it’s safe and nobody gets hurt. Nobody gets hurt right?

Jamie Cullum - Don’t Stop The Music
MuteMath - Plan B 

 I haven’t had an urge to blog about anything lately. It seems like so much has happened that I can’t really catch up anymore. Or maybe I’ve become less miserable because I seem to only blog when I’m feeling like shit. But I suppose I never really wanted to write about what’s happening in my life. I started this blog only to see how I thought during the time I wrote this kind of stuff and mostly to be able to look back in retrospect and laugh. I’ve kind of lost track and sometimes I find I end up blogging about some kind of event or whatnot. I’m indecisive. And hypocritical. Whatever. 

I think you truly grow up when you don’t see the world as one big happy place and you see it for what it is. It happens when you look past fairytale endings and an idealistic way of living life. It happens when your life becomes a poem instead of a song. It happens when you give up trying to do things someone else’s way, when you just don’t give a fuck anymore. It happens when instead of looking at things from your own eyes, you look at yourself from a third perspective. You watch yourself eat and you watch yourself watch something else. But when you grow up…you lose your ability to appreciate things. And then things began to appreciate you less. And then you die lonely. 

The Last Word. 

I’ve always liked progress which is why I don’t tend to stick to a certain thing for too long. It’s probably one of the main reasons I like videogames so much. You can literally see your progress as you beat each level and each enemy. Your character grows and learns new abilities. If only this could be done in real life. If we were able to record our progress then life would be very different. It would be very interesting to know how many times you’ve peed in a lifetime or how many times you ate a certain food. We don’t have this yet though maybe we will in the future. However I’m not so sure if it’s a good idea or not. But returning to the point, when I don’t see progress I tend to feel like I’m not getting anymore experience. As a result I’ve given up on piano (sort of) and a couple of other things. Perhaps the worst of all of these is study and assignments. I only like to see the orientation and conclusion of assignments. When I’m in the middle of one I feel like I’m circling myself and getting more and more confused. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for study.

I think of all the things in the world I hate time and money. Time and money control the course of our lives 99% of the time. Without money we can go anywhere, we can’t do anything. We’re limited to ourselves. And time grants us no second chances as it steals our lives moment by moment. Time is always up and never down. As a result I’ve never been able to manage either of these two. Financially I’m not comfortable and I’m always late to everything. I’ve taken a lot of time to think about this and I think a good solution is to see maybe a financial panther or adviser. But I’m not sure if they do personal consults or anything like that. And for managing time effectively…well time is fine for me but maybe I should get motivated or something.

Australia is one of the worst places in the world. It’s comfortable to live here but the scene here is so dead. There is no inspiration. The city is beautiful…but it’s not a natural beauty. In my opinion Japan is the most inspiring place in the world. Everything in Japan is how I believe things should be. I dislike when people talk on the phone on trains ( although I did it this morning.) But just the amount of creative talent that is born unto Japanese people is absolutely phenomenal. I have not heard of any great Australian artists or designers. Maybe a few bands are good but that’s all. Inspire me. Amaze me. Please.

Technology is just a electrical representation of society. The more I think about it the more undeniable it becomes. Like the many different kinds of technology that we co-exist with, we are all suited to a certain one. Be it the television, the mobile phone, the laptop or a blender we are all differently made. Some made to be efficient others made to be pretty. Some made to be smarter and some made for more manual use. With technology we judge things based on looks and popularity, much like on society. In this case, the village prostitute is the iPhone. So much make-up it looks more of a doll than a human being.

I am a thinker. I like to overthink and overanalysise things. As such I do not go by anyone else’s word except my own. Which is probably why I tend to ignore opinions, advice and recommendations. And today I thought about the strangest thing. I’m always for looking at things in a birds eye view so i thought about looking at people in toilet cubicles from that perspective. Now, don’t view this as perversion because it’s not. Consider this: Do you use your mobile phone when sitting on the toilet? Because I know if three people walked into three separate cubicles to do their bidness, they would most likely take out their mobile phone and look at past images or messages (if they don’t have internet). It’s a very interesting thing. I’m just curious as to whether everyone does it or not.

I’ve been to Chatswood a couple of times but I’ve never actually strolled around sightseeing. At first it appears as a normal busy urban area but it’s actually quite interesting. I suppose you grow up in an area and nothing is worth takaing notice of but when you look at something in a way where you have no idea what it is, everything is different. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes when I’m not occupied with thinking or listening to music or talking on the phone I’m observing the world. Chatswood is by far the most interesting thing to me since Sydney. The range of food is obviously not as varietised as in the city but there are a number of enticing restaurants here such as Hinode. Thursdays is like Friday night markets except all day. In the little strip before the main road, there are stalls set up selling food among other things. And in the middle is a small group playing music. And the station design is nice too. It feels very postmodern and reminded me of Japan. You’d have to see it to understand my writing ability is poor and doesn’t really paint the picture. If I ever moved out I’d love to live in Chatswood. 

People Under The Stairs - The LA Song 

These last couple of weeks have been a blur. My memory, which isn’t exactly the best, fails to remember much. Details are hazy but I like where I’ve arrived. I like how things are right now, apart from work and my financial status. I don’t have much to complain about although there are so many things to say. But that’ll just be me repeating myself as I’ve found I had done in some previous posts.

Language is amazing. Next to music and Michelle it’s easily one of the most beautiful-est things in the world. Language is so complicated and I can’t believe how many there are right now. What’s more amazing is that even immediately around us there is a vast variety of languages being spoken. You don’t notice when you’re bi-lingual but when you’re only able to speak one language you see another language as something otherwordly. Amd I love listening to people speak it. I love it that I don’t understand a lick of what they’re saying yet the people who are speaking it have engaged in deep conversation. German, French, Japanese, Korean, and Spanish are the languages I find to be interesting. For some reason they just have status over Vietnamese, Arabic and Hindi (or whatever it is). Though sometimes I wish I could understand and be able to communicate in more than just broken Chinese and English.

Budgeting is hard to do. I have begun to feel the burden of being moneyless. I started working for myself at a young age. Would you believe at first I earnt $2.50 an hour working at my uncle’s tobacconist. As I grew older the pay began to rise but not very high. I’ve never known anything above $15 p/h. I’ve always had to earn my own money because my parents just would not give their money to me. Whenever I do ask for cash I’m always due for a lecture and I don’t deserve it. I don’t get no youth allowance either because my parents take that too. Apart from some school related payments and some expensive possessions my parents pretty much made me pay for myself. Which I find now has taught me how hard it is to earn money. But what I haven’t learnt yet is how easily money can be spent or used. I spend like it doesn’t matter, and while it might not now, it most definitely will sometime in the near future.

I’m not sure how much stress a person can deal with. I know when I’m faced with stress I end up just giving up because I don’t think I care enough. But with other people, it’s quite painful to see stress unfold. There is the matter that my cousin is facing and while I’m not going to sweat the details, I honestly don’t understand how much pressure he could possibly be under. Apparently he’s under so much that he feels the need to call up 20 people and just vent, vent, vent. A stressful life or a little overdramatic? Who knows. People deal with things in their own ways I suppose.

Nas, Alicia Keys, Rakim, Biggie - Real NY State Of Mind

The time when you think about nothing is the time when you come to the most significant conclusions. Sitting on the train thinking about my usual thoughts I realised I’ve been going against myself. I’m so used to eating safe I’m restricting my tongue from exploring. For me things happen in three or at least I don’t take notice until it happens three times. The first time has occured many times and the catalyst was none other than my Indonesian friend, Ibnu. For whatever reasons he always wants to try new things and I always hide behind familiar tastes. Everytime he tries something new it’d end up pretty terrible tasting or his service would such (eg the pie that was actually soup). Although I enjoyed my meal that evening I still think I should mix it up more. The second time was when Liz and I talked about our little blogging project. It was another push to tell me to try something different. The third time was when I tried it myself unknowingly. I find I’m always putting cheese in my instant noodles these days. I’m not sure if it’s some kind of a sick obsession or anything but everytime I make myself noodles I always put cheese on top. The cheese is terrible too. Friggin Kraft. Anyways, bottom line is always try new things. No matter if you’d rather something else. It’s affected me some already, trying that deluxe cheeseburger from McDonalds and that XL burger from Hungry Jacks. Even though it’s budgeting, it’s still something new.

Travelling through the city I’ve realised a lot of business people like to run. I’m not sure why. They just like to run down the street to catch a bus or a train or something. It just seems strange. I’ve also had a gander at revolving doors. What use is a revolving door? Does it stop clutter of sorts? Does it stop people from bumping into each other when they’re getting in and out. I can understand how it would work during peak hour when people are all trying to rush in or out but does it actually work. It looks stupid to me.

The electronic age is nearly upon us. On the bus I saw two girls (they didn’t know each other) both engaged with their mobile phones. It scares me that I’m actually one of those people too. No longer do I write things or just think, I look to my phone to cure my ‘boredom’. One day, will the rest of the world be like this? Furiously texting or loudly chattering, silently reading or heavily involved in gaming? This digital age makes face to face communication as the only means of proper communication primitive.

There was something else that dawned upon me. At the time it was an amazing revelation but it sucks now that I’ve actually forgotten what it is. Well anyway, I’m hungry…I’ll go try something new.

Since I posted ‘Parachute’ as Gintoki via the Blackberry I can’t edit it. Well I can but the process would take reasonably longer. So I’ll just repost the song ‘She is love’ here. I’ll also throw in some more songs that I’ve been loving over the recent days of not blogging.

Parachute - She Is Love 

Base Ball Bear - 神々LOOKS YOU (Kamigami Looks You) 

Bloc Party - One More Chance

Five For Fighting - Chances 

Takahashi Hitomi x BEAT CRUSADERS - Wo Ai Ni

Muse - United States Of Eurasia 

Parachute - She (For Liz) 

Mutemath’s Armistice: Download here. 
After searching forever I managed to find the hidden track that only people who bought the album off of iTunes could score. The track name is Architecture. Download that here.