The Cold Open

Sort Them Out

Somewhere along the line I lost my way. Somewhere along the line, I stopped feeling and started thinking. And overthinking and overcomplicating things. I stopped asking for the time and started looking at a watch. I stopped my staring at the sky and started staring the ground. Somewhere along the line I lost myself. And the quaint reminders, that are supposed to set me on the right path are somehow being ignored by the fact that maybe I should give up on the right path and instead opt for the sensible and responsible path. That way everything is safe and foolproof, and all of the puzzle pieces will fall into place without any problems. 

And so I am here at the imminent crossroads of my life again, pondering which path I’d rather take, which pill I’d rather swallow. And until then I am stuck here circling my own footsteps. I can’t allow myself to conjure up excuses anymore, because there really isn’t any. The black possession of my soul in the fantastic world of videogames or the business of being partnered with another human being aren’t valid reasons anymore. It’s not because I’m lazy. And it’s not because I’m not progressing. It’s because I’m becoming less interested in it. And the more stable life steals my soul away the more I feel like it’s something of a pasttime. Something that CAN be rejected for menial chores and tasks. I used to see it differently back then but no one can live with the same mindset for their whole lifetime. 

I could do more right if I completely wiped my own memory. 

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Behind Closed Doors

I’m walking forwards but backwards. Accepting the knives. 

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No Explanation

***Warning: This blog post is messy*** So I’ve tried to articulately compose a intricate blog post in regards to the human will but I just ended up confusing myself so to save myself the headache and to utilise what little time I have on this ride I’m just going to go on a spiel about it. The human will is intangible. But somehow we can feel it. It’s definitely there. But it’s so uncontrollable. How many times have you lost control of your will and done something you later find you regret? A countless many I can bet. So what is the point of will. Isn’t will just the scapegoat for conscience? Is will and drive the same thing? When you say to yourself "I won’t x this y" you entrust this task to your will. But often you end up x-ing that y anyway. So really, will doesn’t exist, does it? It’s just conscience. However conscience is just the guilty afterthought. So what is it that takes control of you when a situation like that arises? Instinct? A gut feeling? Your brain? Your…heart? How do you explain what happens in that time? Is there a scientific and tangible explanation? I’m sure people would say that we decide those things with our brain but what makes us go back on our original decision. Someone who wants to stop smoking suddenly is offered a cigarette. It is the brain that says no, don’t even think about it. But what is the entity that says just fucking do it? And why does it have more power over logic? Someone explain it to me.

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Reason

There is a reason for everything; at least that’s what I believe. Not in the way that God has a purpose for all things but behind every action and every decision there is a driving force. And for most of my teenage to almost-adult life I’ve been obsessed with trying to figure out the reason to why I don’t do things, why I have no interest in certain things and why I do the things I do. There is no such thing as ‘because I want to/dont want to’. That is just the excuse and the heavy veil that covers the selfish truth. Time over time I’ve searched for the answers so that I could understand myself. So I could relax a bit more and reassure myself with reason. But…with all the reasons I find I end up digging more and more because of how dissatisfied I end up with the outcome. At first I thought perhaps it was because of a shitty childhood experience that drew me away from going to ski resorts. And then I thought it was because I didn’t really wanna hang out with my friends. I just didn’t understand why I didn’t want to go. And just yesterday the answer became apparent. Thinking about it now, maybe it’s kind of selfish. I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to spend the money. I’ve been working towards saving up for a car. And I think I was just sick of setbacks. Things haven’t been going so well for me lately. I haven’t been performing well in all aspects. I can’t figure out why. Fuck it all yanno.

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Haunt

I can’t express myself here. I’m just going to go write a song or something…

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Black Star

Growing up as a kid I’ve always thought I was meant for something; I always thought my life had purpose. I knew I wasn’t going to be highly celebrated and I was going to be super important, but I always figured I’d be important to some extent. Sometimes people would recognise me but always be too scared to approach me. Known for something creative and nice like music or acting. This is the kind of thing that drove me to want to be somebody.

Growing up as a teenager, I became a lot more negative throwing away those pipe dreams and tried to go for realistic. Starving musician living in poverty and living off cover gig money. Playing beautiful music that no one would ever listen to or really give a shit about. Falling in love with a girl who’d leave me for financial reasons. Travel around and live wherever possible. And then die in a pool of my own vomit.

As I began to mature more in the after years of high school, I was hit with a wave of responsibility and independence. There was suddenly a necessity to have money. I got a girlfriend. I needed to work because I needed to provide for myself and sometimes her. Birthday gifts could no longer be the standard $20ish. Things got expensive. And then there was uni. "Studying design is fun but definitely not me" I thought to myself, "music is the one I need." Naively following this idea I began to put less and less effort in my design work. I attempted to play music here and there but nothing transpired from these sessions. I watched other musicians and listened to tons of music. In my brain, I could write songs it made perfect sense. But when I tried to create it live, I failed. I fell into a depressing state and gamed away my sorrow. Games; my alcohol. Before long I was gaming everyday. Forgot about music. Forgot about design. Forgot about the hardship of life. And then it became an endless cycle of uni-work-girlfriend-games.

And it has gotten to this point where once again I realise…what if music is just the easy way out. What if I’m not destined for anything. Maybe I’m supposed to work a pointless 9 to 5 day job for the rest of my life until I get old and live off of my super and centrelink. Permanently live in Australia, maybe travel to a country or two in my lifetime. Get a divorce or two, lose a few jobs. Start to bald. Get married for the sake of marriage. Have a kid. He runs away when he’s old enough. Have my wife die. And then I die. Nothing grand. Nothing special. What if that’s life? Maybe there isn’t a meaning to life. Perhaps that term is another cushion for those who can’t face a pointless life leading to death. You can’t pull music out of your ass. And you can’t master shit overnight.

The futility of it all is overwhelming. Why does life suck so much. People never care to admit it and they can call me whatever they want but even they must know it’s true. What can you do? This is all I think about whenever me and my mind get some alone time. It makes me believe it all of that shit. I mean, what if my mind has predicted my future. What if it’s right?

Tokyo Police Club - In A Cave
Anberlin - Closer 

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Figures

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Incline

The end of the first semester draws to a close as I find myself once again in a familiar situation. Stuck here not knowing what to do and where to go. Disliking my current occupation and on the hunt for a new one. It always seems like I come back to this in the end. It’s a strange loop…common but strange. This post could go on for a while…

So Gintama is finally back. I’m not so big on anime. It could be a sign that I’m growing up! Who knows…all anime things I own hold no value to me anymore, it’s a bit sad. I used to like it so much. Perhaps I’m getting more in touch with reality and not living in a make believe world like I so regularly do. I’m going to make Zi buy a PSP…

LIFE IS HARD. I think that sums up really what I want to say. Although when compared to certain people my life seems fucking easy. But it’s still hard by my standard. Things happen. And sometimes it is things you don’t want. It’s like the world revolves while you sleep and before you know it it’s revolutionised while you’re still stuck doing that same things you always have you been doing. It’s a bit depressing but it is a kick in the ass. A sucker punch. And hopefully while in a punch drunk phase I’ll realise what exactly I need to do. Soul searching is a pain. It’s a strange thing that I think Tumblr embodies what I want out of life. Fun times, cheap thrills, sunnies at night, road trips, colour, nudity, full smiles and love. That’s kind of like the fun side of life. But all I experience is the stress, sensibility and the reality of life not being like the movies. IT SUCKS. 

I guess all I can do until the end of the year is to really sort of where I’m going. Gain a direction. Get some ambition. Go for something real. And just seriously do it without being scared. Because being scared is what has gotten me into this shit little predicament in the first place. Fear. If only I could just shut that off, maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid to advance. Although it seems like I know what I’m doing and how things are…I don’t. I’m steering this shipwreck of a mind off course. I just hope when the time comes for it, I notice the lighthouse in the distance and I figure out my direction.

Modal Soul Classics II (Tribute to Nujabes) 

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Sunshine

So the end of next week signals the end of my employment at Telechoice which is great news for me mentally but probably bad news for me financially. I still have my job at Covent so that should be decent enough to last me through my days. Talk of going to Japan was exciting but terrifying due to my lack of a stable paying job. I wonder if I’ll even be going anywhere this year…

I hate spending large amounts of money I think. It isn’t because I’m cheap or anything I just get tired of realising that I have to work to save it all up again. I’d like to have a consistent amount of money in my bank at a time… and usually this is the case; $0. 

Yesterday I made the decision to buy a mic stand and a pop filter. First step into doing things properly I guess. The second step would to not live in the room that I record and do music stuff in. Because you can’t mix productive-ness with non-productiveness. Otherwise a product isn’t created…

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Baby Steps

In short, my career in graphic design is short-lived. And so I return to the music where I rightfully belong; just for the moment. I feel really bad for leaving Degree but I do feel like the pressure has lifted a bit off my shoulders. However university is just right around the corner so I’d best prepare for the final year. 

This year I think I’ll put down the camera (not for good). I’m going to focus more on doing well musically and just passing the unit. I know that Mass Effect 3 will stop me from doing that so I’ll try hard to avoid getting caught up in Shephard’s world. I want to refine the way I play drums and guitar, and how I sing too. Dedicate some time to all those projects I had gotten myself into two years ago (god, it’s been that long). And just see how I go from there. 

Should definitely try to blog a bit more so you(/me) aren’t left in the dark about things. I’m sure you want to know your old self better so that you can laugh about how lame or uncool you were used to me (believe me you aren’t any cooler now.) So more writing no matter how shit and boring, just write god damnit. I’m working at Covent Garden now…I just realised it’s kinda like a Garden garden. Like Balamb except it’s Covent. 

I always get freaked out that all the records on the internet will get wiped out during some huge worldwide web reset. That’d be pretty crazy. It might happen you never know…something to ponder about. And this year I’ll add the song of the moment at the bottom like I used to. Also the Toyko Jazz Cafe is such a homely place. I really like it, I swear if I lived closer I’d go there all the time. Alas, I do not. *sadface*

John Mayer - City Love (Crossroads version)

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